


The Exchange Rate

by cassandrarchive



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: BAMF!Amanda Brotzman, M/M, Post-Project Blackwing (Dirk Gently), slight mention of canon typical dirk trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-24
Updated: 2017-12-24
Packaged: 2019-02-19 22:32:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13133589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cassandrarchive/pseuds/cassandrarchive
Summary: The case of how the rowdy three crashed a pizza party, and a lot of things went to shit. Watch as Todd Brotzman and Dirk Gently grapple with a freaky friday type deal, as well as their feelings for each other and multiple visits from the Rowdy Three in one day. Will they survive? Will they actually communicate? And most importantly, will Todd ever get to join Farah, Tina and Hobbs' poker night?





	1. The laws Of Pepperoni Physics

Todd could not watch Dirk destroy his kitchen any more - at least, he couldn’t watch him destroy it sober. From his position on the other side of the island he surveyed the chaos through the flour clouded air. Standing in the middle of the smog was one Holistic Detective, holding his ‘tools’. This arsenal including a pizza cutter shoved into his pocket, a spoon in his mouth and two ladles in each hand. 

He reached for another beer and chugged it, steeling himself mid gulp as cutlery clattered to the floor. There was something odd about the taste, a tang that he put down to the price and or origin of it. Dirk decorated the pizza dough with a flourish, which also happened to send tomato sauce soaring in an arc toward Todd’s cupboards. 

No holistic chaos could compare to this absolute culinary massacre. Tomato sauce already Jackson Pollocked his cabinets and there were knives everywhere.Like, places you wouldn’t even believe. His scales were on the floor, brass bowls spilling a cascade of cheese so it carpeted the kitchen. 

“Remind me what this has to do with the case again?” Todd called lightheartedly from where he was sat as far as possible from Dirk Gently’s Holistic Pizza Parlor. Which was on the other side of the island that separated him from what remained from his kitchen. Dirk took the spoon out of his mouth and threw it into a random drawer without looking.

“The missing boy is Italian, Todd. I mean, come on! Not only that, but he went missing from a pizza restaurant, and where did we find his address?” Dirk motioned toward Todd using his wooden spoon as a makeshift microphone.  
“On an empty pizza box”  
Dirk seemed pleased enough with himself, and Todd was slightly out of it, impairing his ability to protest. Or perhaps to pretend he wasn’t anything but complacent. Todd’s complacency lasted a few minutes, which was better than usual.

“Goddamn it Dirk! Pepperoni? On the ceiling?” The result of another well intentioned move that that Todd had missed, feeling dizzy as his eyes caught up with his brain and then brain caught up with mouth. His ceiling resembled a red dalmatian. 

“Pizza making is an art, Todd. Any collateral damage is simply a part of a larger artistic process.” 

Todd had had enough. He stumbled into the kitchen, snatched the sauce ladle and confiscated it, lifting it out of Dirk’s reach.

Dirk was very tall. Since when had he been so tall? His height meant that everywhere was his reach. Dirk simply snatched it out of his hands and returned to gleefully ladling. 

“You know, I thought for someone who used to be ‘punk rock’, you’d be all for artistic freedom.”

“Used to be?”

“Well you’re hardly Mike Jagger, Todd”

“Mike Jagger? Are you actually seriou-” 

“Oh I’m always deadly serious, Todd,” he gestured to the kitchen sarcastically. “Which reminds me! The mushrooms! Where did I put the mushrooms…?”

As Dirk fiddled around on a search for toppings, Todd grinned to himself.. Todd moved to the entrance of the kitchen to observe, just in time as well. Dirk’s forage for fungi included flinging the contents of his drawers onto the floor and into the air, resulting in a spoon soaring past his head. For his own safety, he had to get out of there. But he didn’t want to move, self preservation and spoons be damned. He was happy here, weirdly so.

Something was burning. That was definitely the smell of smoke. This whole staring at Dirk thing was making him lenient, and now his apartment was going to burn down.

In a blind panic Todd sprung up and flung the oven open. It was empty, and cold. Was the smoke coming from outside? 

Shit.

“Dirk, I-” 

Flames overtook his hands. They began to blister and peel. Todd wailed. He was flapping his hands about without thinking,which was only fanning the flames and worsening the searing in his palms.

His lungs were straining from the smoke, the pain paralyzing. His hyperventilation was just fanning the flames, nothing was helping. So by the time his legs gave way he was thankful for at least some action. He could register some dull noise under the crackling of the flames and the choked screams that left his mouth. He was gone.

Todd came to sometime later, Dirk with his muscular arms under him and sniffling. The rattle of a spray can. The smash of glass and a laugh from a group. 

_Those assholes_ was the last thing that spilled into his brain before slipping out of consciousness again. Because once just wasn’t enough.


	2. The Holistic Hangover

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hunches/the universe are in italics.

As light seeped into the apartment, so did consciousness into Todd’s body. This was not a pleasing sensation for Todd, whose entire body thrummed like an electric guitar. An electric guitar of pain. Every move checked a box of shitty hangover symptoms in his head.Headache? Yep. Nausea? Most definitely. 

Most of it was a blur, but one feature stood out.A giant red three spray painted messily onto his wall.  
_Three Rowdy Amanda Attack Psychic Feeding._  
Okay, what he was getting from his thoughts was that The Rowdy Three must have fed on him; it would explain the strange sensation of alertness and over-observance he currently felt, as if minor details were amplified and he suddenly could not ignore them. It made him feel a tiny bit queasy and overwhelmed. This wasn’t him.

But why had they fed on him? He was sure he had only recently refilled on medi-

_Get the meds  
Meds in the bathroom go and get the meds you need the meds it’s important._

This was unusual, but not too high on the ‘Dirk Gently Related Unbelievable Bullshit-Meter’ Todd thought. If this was some left over, rowdy…thing then it could be holistic and he could be about to have an attack which is not what he needed right now. But the couch was a soft and warm and most importantly, very horizontal place. Also, he was in the middle of a dream about Dirk before waking up too- so maybe if he just laid back down he could return to Dream Dirk and his enthusiasm about his latest case- the case of Todd missing pants-

_Important. Danger. Dirk. Meds. Bathroom._

Fine! He was going to the bathroom.

So, he found himself there, slumping against the cool walls as he halfheartedly searched the medicine cabinets many colourful bottles. Finding his medication well stocked, Todd resigned himself to waiting for the attack. But nothing happened.

_The label, look at the label._

He wasn’t supposed to take the pararibulitis meds alongside the consumption of alcohol, the label proclaimed. That’s probably why the Rowdies had to get involved. But he hadn’t been curious about that. If he could get answers to questions he was actually asking he could possibly unfurl the dread in his stomach. He’d probably had an attack sometime last night mid drinking and… yeah this was beginning to sound familiar. Things were beginning to form, memories in snapshots that were developing very slowly in the darkroom of his mind. Connections and conclusions bursting like flashbulbs. Though he’d rather they’d not- having whatever this psychic energy was bounding around his head just made him feel restless. How did Dirk deal with it? Wait shit- Dirk was here- he had come over last night. He was probably here when the Rowdies had ‘fed’ on him which meant they might have ‘fed’ on Dirk too.He should go and check up on him. Where even was Dirk?

That was when the screaming started.

Todd was running out of the bathroom in mere seconds, pill bottle in hand (an impulse grab) and standing dumbly in the middle of his living room. Which was looking considerably more “lived” in post rowdy invasion. The screaming rang out from the bedroom, interspersed with strained shouts of his name. It was definitely Dirk. Todd spent no time at all bursting into his bedroom where Dirk was convulsing, flinching every few seconds away from some invisible threat.

“Todd! They’re shocking me but I don’t know what I’ve gotten wrong this time. What am I doing wrong? I can’t figure out the test, Todd!” Dirk agonised inbetween ‘shocks’.

“Who? Blackwing?” Todd didn’t know what to do here, or where the shocks were coming from. Could blackwing do that? Just shock him.. Holistically or something?

_Dirk. Rowdy Three. Bathroom. Pizza. Pills. Shocks. Attack. Psychic energy._

“What is that even supposed to mean?” Todd questioned to seemingly no one as the answers to questions he hadn’t asked span through his mind.Was it some sort of flashback Dirk was having? No, because he seemed present, awake. Which also ruled out the possibility of it being a nightmare. Some sort of vision? A hallucination?

A hallucination. Todd suddenly felt nauseous for un-hangover related reasons.  
No. No way in hell. No. Not Dirk. He didn’t deserve this. Shit.

“ Dirk, it’s gonna be fine just…” He fumbled for the pill bottle lid and unscrewed it shakily and strode toward the bed.

“Todd Don’t! Do NOT come near me! The electricity will conduct, remember? The case with the death maze with the rhino where your lovely jacket got thoroughly TOASTE-” 

As his ramblings trailed into a sound of pain again Todd considered for a second what he was about to do. 

“There are no shocks, Dirk.” Todd pressed the pills into Dirk’s rapidly moving and air-clenching hands in a moment of temporary calm, hoping he’d get the implication. Clocking the pill bottle, Dirk stared wide eyed at him and blinked rapidly before his face contorted in pain again. As that shock subsided, Dirk brought the pills to his lips and swallowed eagerly. 

And Todd waited. 

For the sharp jolting of the gangly pile that was Dirk to stop wriggling, For Dirk to stop gently crying and for his brain to stop swirling with thoughts. 

After about ten minutes, all beautifully silent. At least all that was not in Todd’s brain.

“Todd,” it was Dirk, breathless, who was almost suspiciously glaring at him “why did you have your pills? More importantly, why did you give me them?”

“I just.. I think it might have been some sort of, hunch?” Todd approached the word tentatively, as someone would a stranger. 

“No, No,” Dirk laughed in a high pitched and insincere manner “because i don’t have pararibulitis, so why would you decide to give me your medication? ”

“Dirk, are you okay?”

“Fine, Todd! Just.. confused? You see, i don’t have pararibulitis - so why did your pills work? Maybe it’s some sort of..medical thing? Similar ingredients for the medication that would have stopped well, whatever that was, and your pararibulitis!” Dirk was refueled seemingly, springing to life at the first sense of something more on the air. Todd however, had already pieced together what had happened through the haze of last night. 

“Dirk…”

“Todd! Show me that pill bottle!” the detective lunged from where he was sat and toward the  
bottle clasped in his hand

“Dirk, no listen this isn’t some sort of holisti-”

“I don’t understand why you won’t just let me see these pills which I happened to just have ingested, by the way. It’s highly disconcerting”

“Dirk!” Todd was doing well so far to keep Dirk away, but his rabid enthusiasm was growing.

“I think you’ll find that i’m the detective, I detect things, and I detect that that bottle is very important!” with one final swoop, Dirk had knocked the pills out of his hand and was grinning triumphantly. Up until his eyes had scanned the entire label, and it seemed that he hadn’t found what he wanted. No answers. Todd wished he could give half of the torrent of answers in his brain to him.

“I of all people know what a pararibulitis attack looks like, Dirk”

“That- whatever it was- wasn’t what you think it was, Todd. Nothing is as it seems-”

“Do you remember last night, Dirk? At all?” 

“We were making pizza, and you had an attack. We had to call the rowdy three because you can’t take the medication with alcohol- which you had had a lot of, by the way. They fed on you and then you passed out on the sofa and I went to bed”

There was a lot more to it than that.

“You wouldn’t let go of me.”

“I-”

“No! No talking!” Todd composed himself. “I think they fed on us at the same time and..something happened. Our psychic,” Dirk gave him a pointed glare “whatever! got mixed, or switched? I’ve been having hunches all day, I hear something”

“The voice, right?” Dirk said quietly, not meeting Todd’s eyes “Shit.”

Dirk looked utterly crestfallen, he looked at Todd for a long moment and then backed away slightly, sitting on the side of the bed. He didn’t say anything for a long time.

“Hey! No! We can fix this!” Todd found himself tugging on Dirks sleeve, which garnered no response from the detective.

“I have pararibulitis, Todd” 

“Listen, I know this all seems crazy and completely insane and scary right now, I had it- I have it, Dirk,” Dirk looked at him then, a little unsettlingly “but we are going to fix this- I’ll call Amanda and-”

“No, it’s quite alright Todd.” Dirk pushed himself up from the bed, staring off into the distance. 

Todd got the impression he was waiting for something. 

_Block the door._  
He was all for interconnectedness! Big fan of all things and no things connected. But this- quite frankly - was not helpful. 

Then Dirk was storming out of the door, of course. He avoided Todd’s eyes as Todd watched him from through the doorway. Dirk was crossing the apartment. 

It took longer than he would have liked to admit for him to get it, that being, the moment Dirk ran out into the corridor.

“Dirk! Wait-” as always, Todd was at his heels. 

But when he stormed into the corridor, there was no one save for Todd and the will of the universe in the isolated hallway.


	3. The Investigative Interlude

“Farah?? Farah? Please open u-” Todd was cut off mid-sentence by Farah yanking open the door. He was sure he was a sight, soaking from the rain.

“Todd? It’s nice to see you..uh,” Farah tilted her head to the side “isn’t it a bit late?”

“Well I was looking for Dirk but the universe keeps pulling me in different directions and cases! It’s crazy! I’m just walking down the street and like, woah! There’s this man-and he’s freaking out about this-”

“Todd, what are you saying exactly? Slow down, okay? Just breathe.” Farah paused “Now explain”

“I kind of have Dirk’s hunches now and he has my pararibulitis and now he’s ran away and when I went to look for him this man was in the street there was this thing, with his couch and,” out of breath, Todd continued “have you seen Dirk?”

“Wait, you have Dirk’s holistic..?” Farah rubbed her temple “I haven’t seen Dirk, Todd. You should come in though. Hobbs and Tina are here, they might have heard from him”

“Why are Hobbs and Tina here?”

“Poker night, man!” Tina hooted from where she was sat at the table,visible through the doorway. Chips and cards were scattered haphazardly all over, and Hobbs was waving at Todd excitedly. Tina bounded up to the door and pecked Farah on the cheek, snaking her arm around her waist in a practiced motion. Farah bit her lip and beamed bashfully at Tina.

“Todd, man! What’s up, dude? I heard something about a couch?”

“That’s.. Not important. Have either of you seen Dirk?”

“Nope. Hobbs, you seen Dirk recently?” Tina called back to Hobbs. While her back was turned, Todd raised his eyebrows inquisitively at Farah. She gave him her “we’ll talk about this later.” look back, which was fair enough. 

“No I can’t say I have, sorry,” Hobbs gestured toward the table “You wanna come in for a game of poker, Bud? We’re only playing with three dollars, but boy is it a hoot!”

_Three dollars. Three. Why is that number important?_

“No, thank you Hobbs”

_Three. Rowdy Three. Amanda Brotzman._

“Amanda?” Todd mumbled under his breath “of course! I’m an idiot! Enjoy the poker!” Todd was shouting behind him as he ran off into the night.

 

“Amanda??? Amanda?? Open up!” Todd banged on her door excitedly, feeling the tug of something in his gut. He got it now, the excitement of understanding how it all fit together. It was like the bus map he used to study when he didn’t have enough money for gas. The lines all intersecting- yet all leading to their respective locations. Amanda finally opened the door, stepping out of the house and closing the door behind her.

“Todd” Amanda said, cross armed in the doorframe.

“Amanda. Thank god.. I” All the running across town had finally caught up with him and he collapsed against the front of her door frame. 

“Dirk explained it to me. Dude. You guys need to talk.”

“Dirk’s here??? Shit Amanda I need to talk to him. Is he okay?”

_Door, house, keys._

“Kind of. Listen dude, he came to me because he was scared. Just, keep that in mind, okay?”

“I will”

Amanda went to open the door again.  
“Shit, my keys” Amanda cursed at the door.  
“I know,” Todd stormed past Amanda and started banging on the door “Dirk!! Let us in!!”

“Todd? Why are you here?” Dirk mumbled from behind the door, his voice having taken a melancholy tone.

“What do you mean?”

“You don’t-” Dirk took a breath “You don’t need me anymore” 

“I thought we were past this, Dirk”

“I have your pararibulitis, and you have my, psychic, whatever!.You could leave me right now and live a better life. Like your life was like before I ruined it” 

“Dirk, you know that isn’t true,” He turned to try and signal Amanda for help.  
Amanda wasn’t there. She was sat on the curb, hand dipped into a nearby puddle of water  
Black eyes turned to face him, with a pattern he had faint memory of- almost fractal. Amanda surged forward and started breathing heavily.

“This shouldn’t have happened. This is bad, Todd,” Amanda said steadily, looking around “I’ll call the Rowdy Three.”

“What should I do?”

“Dirk, stand back from the door” Amanda shouted, suddenly standing and charging towards the house.  
“WHY?” Dirk asked, high pitched and panicked.

“Just do it, okay man?”

Amanda waited a couple of seconds before picking up a plant pot and bringing it down on her lock, smashing it into pieces.  
“You’re insane” Todd shook his head at Amanda, part trying not to laugh and part trying not to tell her off. Big brother instinct

“A lil bit” Amanda shrugged and pulled out her phone.

Todd smiled, then pushed the door open tentatively. Dirk had kept his word, stood a fair way back from what used to be a functioning door. He was toying with his jacket nervously, not meeting Todd’s eyes. He looked up at Todd slightly guiltily,  
He strode toward Dirk and took him into his arms tightly, not saying anything. Dirk seemed to de-tense.  
This was where he was supposed to be. He didn’t need the universe to tell him that. He never had.


	4. The Rowdy Revelation

So this was it. The two of them, four rowdies and one slightly bored Amanda Brotzman in her living room.  
“Y’all ready to be switched back? It’s gonna hurt, you know” Martin grinned hungrily as he addressed the two of them who were sat facing each other.

“Yes” was what Todd said, full of steadiness and certainty that he didn’t feel but cloaked his voice in for Dirk’s sake. 

“ Let's get to it boys!” Martin chuckled in a way that was country, but in a weird polite way. Like he’d drive a tractor, but like, a fancy tractor. He gestured for the rest of the rowdies to crowd in on the pair. Vogel actually waved, which was nice if not a little inappropriate. The Beast had been moved to another room.

“Wait!” Dirk shouted as the rowdies linked hands around them.

“Todd, it’s not too late to change your mind. You’ve already done so much for me, the least I can do is take this from you. You have to put up with the absolute chaos that surrounds me at all times and this is how I repay you?” 

“Dirk. We’ve been over this. You never need to repay me. I am your friend. I-” He reached out and took his hands in his own. Dirk gasped lightly, a noise someone else less close wouldn't have caught.

“Tick Tock, boys” Martin said, absentmindedly swinging his bat. 

_Bat. Smash. Glass. Window._  
He broke my window! That asshole.

As his last hunch faded Todd surveyed the chaos in the room. Cross and Vogel were bouncing on their toes eagerly and high fiving each other, seemingly hyping each other up. And Gripps was chatting with Amanda. Todd didn’t have much time to get his speech across in his head that would convince Dirk of everything he had improved in him. There wasn’t time for words to persuade him of how Todd was better when he was around, brighter.

It wouldn’t be accurate to say he had opened a new chapter of Todd’s life- he had thrown the old book out of the window and gave him a new one. Bound in yellow leather and purpose. 

Todd loved the detective in every form he took. He loved Svlad Cjelli, whom he didn’t know enough about, but still marveled at him as he spoke with wonder. He loved Icarus, who was the wonder. And he loved Dirk Gently, who was wonderful.

Todd nodded toward the Rowdy Three. The next actions were, as everything was - connected. 

As the Rowdies leant in, he leant into Dirk. He squeezed Dirk hands tentatively.  
For once in his 33 years of life, Todd decided to grow some balls. He surged forward as there was a surge of psychic energy drawn from them. He crashed his lips to Dirk’s, and the Rowdy Three were suddenly not the only ones who were hungry. 

It was a mess as everything they did was; all enthusiastic shoulder grabbing (Dirk) and accidental teeth bumping (Todd). 

Yet neither could stop. All was brilliant and blue.

“You guys do know you didn’t have to do that for that to work, right?” Amanda quipped from her lean in the corner. Todd glared at her, but he meant none of it. 

Dirk was breathing deeply, still folded into Todd. He was out for the count. 

“Now listen here boy,” Martin bent down to face Todd “You treat Icarus here good, you hear? Drummer Girl’s got your number.” 

To emphasise the point, Amanda mimed a phone with her hand and winked.

God, had he missed her.

“What’s the plan, boss?” Vogel chirped

“Let's get out of here. We’ve got highly illegal, badass shit to do.” Amanda roared with laughter at the reaction from Todd, who had glared at her disapprovingly. He couldn’t help it, it was an ingrained big brother instinct.

Amanda’s laughter just caused a response of shouts and holllers from the assembled rowdies.  
‘Assembled Rowdies’ being the biggest oxymoron, of course.

“Love you, sis.” Todd grumbled to her.

“Love you too.” Amanda beamed, giving him the one fingered salute.

“Talk to Dirk!” she mouthed, winking at him. Vogel ushered her through the doorway, letting the other Rowdies through before showing himself out. 

Eventually, they were out of sight, but certainly not out of mind, with the echoes of shouts from outside lasting until long after.

“Todd?” Dirk mumbled into Todd’s shirt blearily, finally coming around.

“Hey, Dirk. You okay?”  
“Mushrooms.” Dirk shot up, standing eagerly now, flapping happily.

 

“Really? The pizza?”

“I know where the mushrooms are!” Dirk drummed onto Todd‘s shoulder excitedly.

“You cannot be serio- the mushrooms? Now?” Todd shook his arms about, indicating the living room in which they were sat.

“Oh my god, your face Todd.”

“Does everyone want to laugh at my face today?”

“I want to laugh at your face every day.”

“I take it all back. You’re the worst.” Todd laughed, offering a hand for Dirk to pull him up.

“You didn’t seem to think that a couple of minutes ago, Todd. Not that i’m complaining! But i’m under the impression you may rather, in fact, quite like me” Dirk grinned that sunshiney grin and took his hand, pulling him up. 

They stood like that, hands clasped for longer than probably deemed normal. Todd had given up on normal a while back, anyway.

“Hey Dirk?” Todd pulled Dirks hands to his chest “I love you, but please stay the fuck away from my kitchen.”

“I love you Todd, but I think we both know that isn’t going to happen.”

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, thank you for reading this chapter. I love you, AO3 user. There are a lot of people this fic wouldn't exist without, so if you hate it please blame:  
> Tumblr user @Marizetta for the beautiful artwork for this fic. I have no words for how much it blew me away. Wow. Find it here  
> My amazing beta @inkyfishes for teaching me about how to english.  
> And @friedkinisamoron, Ellie, thank you for dealing with my constant screeching and correcting my spag even throughout my screaming. I'm sorry for making those weird noises and singing during the hobbit battle of the five armies.


End file.
